


The Princess Most Rebellious

by ruff_ethereal



Category: Penn Zero: Part-Time Hero
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fantasy, F/F, Fairy!Boone, Female!Penn, Genderbending, King!Brock, Princess!Penn, Queen!Vonnie, Squire!Sashi, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-01
Updated: 2015-05-02
Packaged: 2018-03-26 16:43:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,236
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3857758
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ruff_ethereal/pseuds/ruff_ethereal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Princess Penn wishes to become a tomboy and enlists the help of Squire Sashi. When the two of them meet the well-meaning but incompetent Fairy Godfather-in-training Boone, things quickly escalate from there.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Princess and the Squire

**Author's Note:**

  * For [AnyMousse (shopgirl152)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/shopgirl152/gifts).



> For anymoussse, and dedicated to the glory of Princess Penn.
> 
> Based on these headcanons by the same person: http://anymousse.tumblr.com/post/117811033469/on-my-lunch-today-i-let-my-imagination-run-wild

“Officially speaking, you're supposed to guard Princess Penn while she meditates and thinks in the Reflection Grove.

“What you're _actually_ going to be doing is escorting her while she takes her horse there, make sure she doesn't run off somewhere else again, then stand around for about an hour or two listening to her be bored out of her skull, complain, and ask if you think it's almost time to go home yet.

“You'll also have to guard her against any sort of threats that might come her way, but trust me, the Grove is about as peaceful as it gets. The worst you'll have to deal with is a bird, a bee, or some sort of pesky squirrel that manages to get through the barrier, but the mages are pretty good with keeping it up.

“You'll basically be alone with her in the middle of nowhere.”

Sashi sighed. “Great. Are you sure there's absolutely nothing I can do to get out of this?”

Her superior shook their head sadly. “'Fraid not. Princess Penn actually requested you specifically, and you know how it is with royalty and requests: it's just a polite way of calling a demand.

“Now off you go to her personal stables! Provided you don't get _too_ fed up with her, she'll write you a commendation letter. And trust me, you're going to want one of those—brat or no, she's still a princess.”

“I'll do my best.” Sashi said flatly as she turned away and marched out the barracks door.

* * *

“She's a right headache, she is! If she ain't running off, you're scrambling to find out where she is! And by Jove, those teachers' sticks are worse than a good flogging, they are. And it's always you that gets the smacking, because heaven help who _actually_ hits the princess!”

“Ugh, it was like outpost duty, only worse! At least there it's okay to slack off because who'd be coming to check up on you? But no, when you sit in with her at all her fancy princess classes, and her tea parties, and her 'royal duties' you always have to be at attention!”

“Don't forget about what they're teaching here and talking about, mate! I swear, those servants will make a fortune, just repeating what they're saying to folks who can't sleep at night.”

And so on and so forth. In the safety of the barracks and away from servants that might relay their words to the royal family, the knights, guards, and squires of the Kingdom of Midburg only had awful things to say about Princess Penn.

There were far worse assignments for a squire, Sashi knew that.

There was kitchen duty, where to “learn the values of determination, cooperation, and hard work” squires were required to help out the scullery maids, usually by attacking the most stubborn of stains wielding only a well-worn brush, bear the load of the latest sack of vegetables fresh off the farmer's cart, or tackle the brutal, grueling task of peeling all the potatoes in time for supper.

There was stable duty, where to “develop a keen eye for details, a sense of order, and humility” squires were required to clear out the dirty hay, refill fodder and water troughs, and groom the horses—though usually, they were reserved for the knights' and guards' loyal steeds.

There was outpost duty, where to “develop a resilience to the harshness of the wilds, an awareness of your surroundings and potential dangers, and the fatigue and mental strain of extended duty” squires stood out in towers and shacks in the middle of nowhere, with little more than old blankets or fans to protect themselves from the ravages of the heat or the cold, and armed only with cards and idle conversation to battle the insidious threat of boredom, a clash that would go on for up to four, and at worst, eight hours.

But, she preferred them all over guarding the princess.

* * *

“What's going on?” Sashi asked as she came up to the closed doors of Princess Penn's personal stables.

The royal grooms awkwardly shuffled about in front of it. “Princess Penn has requested everyone leave her alone inside the stables.” One of them said. “She wants complete privacy.”

Sashi scowled. “Yeah, no. Out of the way, I'm coming in.”

The grooms' eyes widened.

“You can't do that!”

“That's disobeying an order from the princess!”

“You're going to get in serious trouble!”

Sashi glared at them. “Look, right now, it's my job to guard the princess, and even if she specifically asked to be left alone, and all of you testify for me, you just _know_ who's going to get the blame if something happens to her while we're all standing out here twiddling our thumbs.”

The grooms looked at each other nervously, quietly debating if they should move.

Sashi put her hand to the hilt of her sheathed sword.

The grooms yelped and quickly opened the stable doors for Sashi. They only opened it a crack, but a crack was all Sashi needed to slip inside. The grooms shut it behind her again, and the stables were dark once more, except for the light pouring in from the open windows in the upper levels.

Princess Penn wasn't standing by her horse as Sashi expected her to. Instead, her highness sat in one far corner, sitting on a bale of hay, looking into a magical apparition projected by the Muhu crystal on her waist.

Sashi had been warned all of Princess Penn's conversations with whoever on the other end was private, and there would be serious repercussions if anyone even heard it, let alone understood what was being said.

But Sashi had never been one for following rules, especially when they were keeping her from solving a bigger problem, or a mystery that had been gnawing at her for a while.

The squire sneaked up to the princess and hid behind one of the stall walls, out of sight of both her and whoever was on the other end. She peered at the screen, and saw the ravaged, volcanic lands of the Dunes of Doom. She'd only ever heard the place described in words and song—if those who had been there even wanted to talk about it.

Her eyes widened as she recognized her majesty Queen Yvonne, still dressed in the armour they wore when they rode off a month ago. The brilliant metal and leather were now worn, scorched, and damaged from constant abuse, but true to the skill of their creators and the quality of their materials, still mostly in one piece.

“But why can't I be a heroic royal like you two?” Princess Penn asked.

“Oh, sweetie, you only know that's because the Holy Smiting Blade of the Almighty Smiter chose me instead of any of the other knights or heroes, and your father was already blessed with the Fists of Justice.” Queen Yvonne said. “Speaking of which, could you excuse me for a second?”

Penn nodded. “Sure thing.”

“Thank you.” Queen Yvonne turned to a batch of monsters and evil-doers just out of view. “BY THE HOLY SMITING BLADE OF THE ALMIGHTY SMITER, I SHALL SMITE THEE, FIENDS!” Said sword started glowing and crackling with electricity before the queen raised it above her head and leaped out.

Cracks of thunder, bolts of lightning, and the dying screams of monsters and evil-doers as they were smote flew out from that side.

King Brock came walking into view, holding a troll in a headlock in one arm while he repeatedly punched them in the face with the other. “That's my queen! I love you, Vonnie!”

“I love you too, Brock!” Queen Yvonne cried before she violently smote yet another monster.

“Anyway, darling, there's all sorts of leaders in this world, some of them wielding swords and shields, others making nice with ambassadors, nobles, and fellow royals over dinner.” King Brock said, still punching the troll. “All of them are important, and neither of them are better than the other; it all depends on what kind of hero the world needs to save that day.”

Penn sighed. “Okay...”

“But who knows, sweetheart: someday, you might find a magical sword or enchanted fists that wants you to be it's wielder!” Queen Yvonne said as she dragged back the Holy Smiting Blade of the Almighty Smiter, currently stuck in the back of some smitten beast.

An ominous roar swept through the plains. The Muhu apparition shook as the monsters and evil-doers quickly fled, all of them looking terrified.

King Brock let go of the troll and the troll happily ran for its life. Queen Yvonne pulled the sword out of the beast, and the blade fizzled and sizzled, burning away all stains until it was gleaming and shining once more.

The two of them looked back over to the ominous tower in the distance, a giant pair of eyes glowing in the highest spire, both orbs narrowed and glaring at them.

“Woops, looks like we finally got Overlord Killsmash's attention!” King Brock said. “Afraid we're going to have to cut this conversation short, darling!”

The two of them turned back to Penn, smiled, and waved. “We love you, Penn!”

“I love you guys too.” Penn forced a smile and waved goodbye.

The apparition dissipated into the air and surged back into the Muhu crystal. Now that she was alone once more, Penn dropped the fake smile and revealed her very real frown.

Sashi had the distinct feeling she'd just witnessed something she really shouldn't have. While the royal family wasn't exactly cloistered away and reclusive, most everyone only ever saw them smiling and confident in court, happily handing out charity or participating in festivals, gloriously riding off to battle, or triumphantly riding back to the victory feast that awaited them.

And this… this was something not even the most senior and trusted royal servants were allowed to see.

Snort.

Sashi felt a hot, wet breath on her shoulder. She slowly turned her head around and came face to face with her highness's horse, looking none too pleased to discover Sashi spying.

Sashi called upon all of her experience from stable duty. How did one calm down a horse? Especially one that didn't owe you any loyalties and everything to the person you had just wronged? She slowly raised up her hands in surrender and hoped the horse would understand that.

The beast neighed and reared back, their hooves kicking and pounding just inches away from Sashi's face.

Sashi yelped and fell back onto the hay, strands of it flying up into the air and coating her hair, her clothes, and her face. She groaned and reached up to brush the hay out of her eyes, and saw Princess Penn walking towards her, smiling mischievously at Sashi while she petted her horse.

“Good girl...” The princess said. Her horse happily snorted, pleased with itself.

Sashi held up her hands once more. “I can explain.”

Princess Penn chuckled. “Yeah, you're not doing that. What you are doing, however, is helping me become a tomboy!”

Sashi blinked.

“I'm sorry, _what?”_


	2. What A Girly-Girl Wants

“You're Sashi Kobayashi, right?” Princess Penn held out her hand.

Sashi eyed it warily, before looking up at Penn. The princess was smiling, not a single trace of dishonesty or deception to be seen.

“Yes… I am.” Sashi took her hand and let herself get pulled back up. “Why do you ask?”

“You're one of the best squires in the guard right now, aren't you?” Penn said as she gestured for her horse to move away from Sashi.

Sashi beamed. “You bet your crown I am.”

“Undefeated in in every sparring match you've ever been in—which are plenty; winner of every sword fighting, jousting, and heroics competition in the squire bracket; consistently high marks in every test, passed every class with flying colours, and commendations from almost every single knight in Midburg's service today...”

Sashi kept on smiling.

“… And all of this in spite of being the daughter of a fisherman, and most of your prior training being fights with all the other kids in your village.”

Sashi's smile tugged at the edges for a moment. “Hey, in my defense, every single one of those kids _deserved_ it.”

“I don't doubt you for a second! The point is, you're incredibly skilled, a great fighter, and well on your way to becoming a fantastic knight.” Penn smiled. “Which is why I need you to teach me how to be a tomboy like you!”

Sashi scowled at Penn. “And what's that supposed to mean?”

“I want to be a tomboy: free, able to do whatever I like, allowed to do un-princess-y things, like--”

The grooms knocked on the stable doors. “Princess? Pardon the question, but are you ready to leave yet?”

Penn groaned, walked up to her horse, and put a fancy riding boot into the stirrup. “I'm still talking with Squire Kobayashi here, but I promise I'll be out soon!” She said to the still closed doors.

“Yes, your highness!”

Penn turned back to Sashi. “Like not having to go out to the Reflection Grove twice a week, or be able ride a horse without having to wear this stupid dress.” The princess hauled herself up on her horse with some effort, one leg clumsily hanging off the other end, the fancy skirt of her dress messily bunching up in the saddle.

“Seriously, look at this thing!” Penn gestured to her skirt with one hand while she tried to fix it with the other. “Who expects someone to be able to get up on a horse on all by themselves while they have this on? And especially in a hurry? This skirt is just—WOAH!”

Sashi watched as the princess tugged a part of her skirt too hard, overbalanced, and fell off her horse and into a pile of hay.

“Ow… my head...” Penn said as she sat up and rubbed her head.

Sashi looked around the horse, and scowled at the fallen, hay-covered princess. “You're a girly girl—a princess, the girliest of girly girls. I _hate_ girly girls. Why should I help you?”

Penn stood up and brushed herself off. The hay only managed to stick onto different parts of her body, and was especially fond of getting caught in her long, voluminous, and curly hair. The princess groaned, gave up, and shot Sashi a disbelieving look.

“I'm sorry, I don't think you just heard yourself—I'm the princess, remember?” Penn gestured to herself. “I can do almost everything I want in this kingdom! You're here right now because _I_ wanted you here.”

“And I'm a squire, remember? My job is to protect you, get you where you need to go, and make sure you don't do anything stupid or dangerous on my watch, not to listen to your princess-y problems and help you solve them. Don't you have any royal handmaidens you should be griping to right now?”

Penn sighed and shook her head. “I knew you wouldn't understand...” She stood up and walked back to the bale of hay and sat back on it.

“No, I don't.” Sashi said as she walked and stood in front of Penn. “We come from completely different worlds. Me? I grew up without two copper pieces to rub together; where no one knew if we were going to eat that day; and everything had that awful fish smell.

“You? You grew up with all the money in the treasury, more gold and jewels than most people can even begin to imagine, much less own; you always had at least a three course meal on at the same time every day, and all the snacks you could ever want whenever you wanted it; and you have had every single need and want of yours answered and then some.

“You're the girl with everything. I'm the girl who had to fight to the death for table scraps.” Sashi's voice softened. “What could you possibly want, and especially from me...?”

Penn looked up, her expression hard and serious. “I want a life. A life that isn't being a princess.”

“You think being royalty is just a life living in the lap of luxury, you'd be wrong. Behind all the glitz and the glamour, all the jewels and the fancy dresses, all the servants and the nobles—“

“You're not going to start singing, are you?”

“What? No.”

“Good. I hate musicals.”

“Anyway, being a princess may _look_ easy, but it's _brutal._ You always have to be perfect, you always have to be a proper lady, you always have to be smiling and confident no matter what you feel inside.

“It's always 'You can't do that, your highness, playing in the mud is unfitting for someone of your stature!', 'You have to do it this way, your majesty, you must always do everything with grace and poise, especially potentially messy meals like chocolate cake—one cannot just “dig in” like a commoner.', and 'But you must, your highness! It is only proper that you host the tea parties in your parents' stead!'

“Have you ever watched all the kids outside playing and having fun, while you're _forced_ to sit inside, bored out of your skull? Do you know what it's like to be kept from enjoying your own cake at your own birthday party, and you don't even get the quadruple slice you wanted, just a singe thin one that's 'proper for royalty'? And trust me, those tea parties are worse for me than all of the guards that have to stand in, combined!”

“It's always what _they_ want! What _they_ expect me to be! What _they_ need me to be!

“Nobody ever asked me if I wanted to be the princess! Nobody ever asks me if I want to or don't want to do something! Nobody ever sees me as the real me—as just Penn, not Princess Penelope Zero.”

Penn hung her head. “I want to do what _I_ want to do, not what other people want me to. I want to feel how I feel, not how other people say I should. I want to be who I am, not how everyone wants me to be.”

“I'm the girl with everything, alright. Everything except what I actually want.”

Sashi stood there in silence.

“You're dismissed.” Penn said without looking up.

Sashi blinked. “What?”

Penn looked up, hurt in her eyes. “I said, 'You're dismissed.' You can go now. I'll go have one of the grooms go out and get another guard from the barracks, so you don't have to.” She laughed bitterly. “Here I was thinking, 'Here's a person that can help me out! A brave knight-to-be that can save me from my life of boredom and pretending to be someone I'm not for the sake of everyone but me.'”

Penn hung her head again. “But it turns out I was wrong. _Again.”_

Sashi frowned.

Penn looked up. “Why are you still here?” She asked flatly.

Sashi sighed and walked up to her. She laid a hand on Penn's shoulder before she sat down next to her on the hay bale. “What do you need me to do to make you a tomboy, exactly?”

Penn looked up at her and blinked. “You serious?”

Sashi nodded reluctantly. “Yes. Despite my better judgment.”

Penn smiled. Tears welled up in her eyes.

Sashi groaned. “Don't cry, alright?! There's nothing more girly girl than crying tears of joy just like that.”

Penn sniffed and blinked the tears away. “Alright.”

“Good. Now get up, and let me get a good look at you.”

Penn did as she was told, standing in front of Sashi.

Sashi frowned. She didn't like what she saw already, even with the hay still covering most of Penn.

“Turn around slowly, give me a good look of everything.”

Sashi's frown had only grown by the time Penn finished her turn.

“Wow. The hair, that I could excuse, but you _ride_ in that dress?”

Penn rolled her eyes. “Blame the servants! 'A princess always has to look their best,' they say, so I never get to pick out what I want to wear. Not that there's anything in my closet I actually want to in the first place...”

Sashi nodded. “I'm going to have to get you some new clothes soon. Something less frilly, poofy, and with a _lot_ less embroidery. For now, however...” She got up and walked up to Penn.

Penn watched as Sashi took hold of her skirt, and started tearing and ripping it apart until the jagged hem fell at a much more manageable length.

“You just destroyed a dress that probably cost more than what most people make in a year or three.”

Sashi looked up with a bored expression. “Yes, and…?”

Penn smiled. “Just stating the facts here.”

There was a loud knocking on the stable door. “Your highness? Are you going to be in there for much longer? There is still much to be done after your visit to the Reflection Grove.”

“I'm coming, I'm coming, just give me a few more minutes!”

“As you wish, your majesty!”

Sashi balled up the torn part of Penn's skirt and shoved it in one of the horse's saddlebags, stuffing it between snacks, wine skins, perfumes, and other “essentials” for a princess going outside of the castle. “So, how does this Reflection Grove thing usually go down?”

“Usually, I saddle up, and trot out to the Grove at leisurely pace while my guard walks beside me.”

Sashi nodded. “Have you ever ridden there at full-tilt?”

Penn grinned. “No, I have not.”

Sashi grinned back. “You think there's enough room on your horse for two people?” She patted the luxurious leather saddle.

“Might be, if we squeeze together and I hold on real tight. You first; I think it'll be easier if I climb in after you.”

Sashi chuckled as she put her boot into the stirrup. “Aren't princesses supposed to be first?” She hoisted herself into the saddle.

“Yes. But right now, I'm a tomboy.”

The servants outside knocked again. “Your highness?”

Penn climbed on behind Sashi. “Open the doors, I'll be right out!” To Sashi, she said, “Get ready.”

Sashi grabbed the reigns and grinned even wider. The horse snorted in excitement; seems they were liking this as much as the humans did, too.

“What's your horse's name, anyway?”

“Oh, she's called Butt Stallion.”

Butt Stallion started snorting in a way reminiscent of a snigger.

Sashi blinked then looked back at Penn. “Seriously…?”

Penn shot Sashi an offended look. “Don't look at me, it's what she wanted.”

The doors opened. Sashi looked forward, shrugged, and pulled on the reigns.

Butt Stallion neighed and reared back, before she thundered out of the stables at a gallop.

Grooms and servants screamed and dove out of the way, watching in disbelief as the princess and her guard stormed through the castle grounds and out of the gates leading to the Reflection Grove.


	3. Swords, Sorcery, Some Stupidity

“Wow. They weren't kidding when they said this place was in the middle of nowhere.” Sashi said as she stood in the middle of the Reflection Grove with Penn.

“Yep.” Penn gestured to the vast expanse of open space around them. “Take it all in: trees, grass, the occasional rock, and an invisible barrier keeping almost everyone and everything out. If you listen closely, you might hear the sound of complete, absolute silence.”

“And they expect you to just sit around here and do nothing?”

“They said it as 'Meditate, reflect, and think without distractions,' but yeah, basically.”

Sashi made a disgusted face. “How have you _not_ gone insane?”

“Oh, lots of way: I tried sneaking books and other fun things into Butt Stallion's packs until they started double checking them in the outpost on the road here; I tried riding off in one of the forks and crossroads, until they put barriers that magically keeps me on the track; and I also tried riding Butt Stallion into the woods just to have something to do, but as you just saw, I have to send her back to the outpost as soon as we get here.

“These days, I just complain, whine, and ask my guard if they think it's time to go home yet; it's better than all the _nothing_ , and I'm not allowed to nap. And before you ask if I ever wanted to do any actual thinking and reflecting, trust me, I do enough of that while I zone out in princess classes and tea parties.

“It doesn't help that most of my 'problems' are deciding if we're going to go with a nice gold, a silver, or 'be adventurous!' and have a nice blue trim to the napkins...”

Sashi's face slowly fell in horror. “How is this not torture?”

“It's not torture if I'm a princess,” Penn said flatly. “Then it's called 'grooming a future leader.'”

“Wow. I am _so_ glad I am not you.”

“And I'm glad you're here with me!” Penn smiled. “So, no one watching us; absolutely no one allowed to check up on me except my present guard--you; and two hours of being completely, absolutely alone. How about we start on those 'making me a tomboy' lessons?”

Sashi shrugged. “Sure. What'd you have in mind?”

“I was thinking you could let me borrow your sword and then you could teach me how to fight like a knight!” Penn made a sloppy fighting stance and jabbed at the air with an imaginary sword. “'Girly-girls' stand back and let the guards, the knights, and the heroes do all the fighting, and Tomboys _are_ the guards, the knights, and the heroes!”

Sashi scowled and slowly shook her head. “No.”

“What? Why?” Penn frowned. “It's just a sword, right?”

Sashi glared at Penn. “Excuse me? This is _not_ _'_ just a sword.'” She placed her hand on the hilt. “It is my weapon. My sign of status as a squire and eventually, a knight. It's a _part_ of me.

“In the heat of combat, this is what makes the difference between victory and defeat, life or death. This sword is what is keeping me safe. What is keeping you safe. What is keeping everyone in this whole _kingdom_ safe.

“You take my sword away from me, you may as well have just chopped one of my arms off. Because this?” Sashi pulled her sword out, enough to reveal a few inches of the blade.

“This is _not_ 'just a sword.' It's _my_ sword.”

Sashi sheathed her blade. “… And besides all that, there's an inspection every morning at the barracks, and this sword better be sharp, shiny, and in one piece. If I let you borrow this sword, and you manage to lose it, break it, or even so much as gouge the blade…”

She leaned in and growled. “… Getting me a new one is going to be the _least_ of your problems.”

Penn nodded and subtly stepped back. “Okay, I get your point. But how am I supposed to learn swordplay if I don't have an actual sword?”

“I can help with that!” A third voice said. “Zippity, zappity, _zoom!”_

Penn and Sashi started and turned to the forest. The squire put her hand back to her sword as a green blur of magical dust came rocketing out towards them. It stopped just a few feet away, growing larger and larger till it exploded and…

“Tada! It is I, Boone, your fairy godfather, Princess Penelope!”

Sashi stared at the bulky fairy floating in front of her, her hand wrapped tightly on the hilt. Penn beamed and clapped her hands.

“Oh, man, it's just like all the stories! You're going to help me become a tomboy, right?”

Boone nodded. “That I am, your highness—can I just call you Penn?”

“Sure!”

Sashi frowned and turned to Penn. “I thought you said the barrier keeps people out?”

“There are exceptions! Fairies, for example. It's part of our agreements with their union: 'No efforts shall be made to actively prevent a fairy godfather or godmother from performing their duties.'”

Sashi nodded. “Okay, that I get. Why is he wearing a dress, then?”

Penn shrugged.

“That's because dresses are completely, absolutely awesome!” Boone started flying around casually. “They're easy to wear, they're comfortable, and they're _so_ much freer than those things you humans call pants; I mean, who'd even want their legs trapped in those things? You humans are crazy.

“Anyway, I heard a request for a sword?” Boone waggled his eyebrows as he pulled out his wand.

“That you did!” Penn said as she held out her hand.

Sashi rolled her eyes, removed her hand from her weapon, and watched.

“Bippity, boppity, Boone!” Boone waved his wand in the direction of the forest, a zap of green magic arcing into the distance, and pulling back a branch in the rough size of a sword.

“Bippity, boppity, Boone!” Boone zapped the branch, breaking off excess twigs, shearing off some bark, till it looked like a sloppily done wooden sword.

The makeshift weapon floated down into Penn's hand, and the princess happily wrapped her hand around the hilt.

“Bippity, bobbity, Boone!” Boone smiled and tapped the wooden sword with his wand.

It turned into a giant poisonous snake, completely straight until it saw Penn, bared its fangs at her, and hissed.

“AAAHHH!”

Penn let go of its tail, Sashi swung her sword at it. She hit the beast with the flat of her blade and sent it flying off into the forest. The snake landed in the brush, glared at the three of them, and slithered off.

“Woopsie...!” Boone said as he looked out at the patch of forest the snake had landed in.

Sashi turned her sword to Boone, jabbing the point a few inches away from his face. Penn scurried and cowered behind her.

“Begone, foul sorcerer, before I strike you down with my sword! And drop that wand, too!”

Boone's hands flew up into the air with a light rain of fairy dust. The wand quickly dropped from his hand and clattered harmlessly on the grass, glowing for a few moments, before it dimmed.

“Woah, woah, woah! Easy, there, I'm not a foul sorcerer!”

“Then why did you try to kill me just now?” Penn cried as she peered around Sashi.

“Okay that? That was a _total_ accident. 'Sword,' 'snake,' those two words are closer than most people realize they are, alright? Well, maybe if you're a fairy and you have to have those words in your head, along with turning them into _magic_ words...”

Sashi scowled and kept her sword up. “What kind of fairy godfather are you that you mix up 'sword' and 'snake'?”

“I'm pretty sure those things mean different enough things!” Penn added. “I mean, from what I understand about magic, it's also about what the words represent that matter!”

Boone nodded. “Oh, yeah, it totally does; that's actually part of my magic 101 class. I've already took it but they keep making me retake it for some reason...”

Sashi's arm was starting to wilt. She lowered her sword.

“Wait, class?” Penn asked. “I thought you said you were a fairy godfather?”

Boone smiled nervously. “Uh… yeah, fairy godfather _-in-training_ , more accurately.”

Sashi sheathed her sword and rubbed the feeling back into her arm. “Wonderful...”

Penn stepped out from behind Sashi, stood at her full height, and narrowed her eyes at Boone.

“Hey, you guys don't mind if you sign this statement, do you?” Boone produced a scroll from his sleeve. “I need, like, a ton of these, saying that I've helped someone out with my magic from fair princesses like you, adventurous farm boys and farm girls, childless couples or lonely toy makers or lonely spinsters, and the like...”

“Do ya _think_ almost killing me with a snake counts as 'helping'?!” Penn snapped.

Boone shrugged. “Hey, it's the thought that counts, right…?”

“No, it's not.” Sashi growled. “And if you want to be able to fly any time soon, you'll leave this place before I chop off your wings.”

Boone gulped. “Okay… you got it!” The fairy picked up her wand again. “Zippity, zappity, _zoom!”_

Boone turned into a ball of green pixie dust, and went zooming off into the forest.

WHAM!

Boone turned back into a fairy, now wrapped around the trunk of an ancient, dead tree, and slowly peeled off it.

His wand slipped from his hand, falling into a hollow in the center of the tree. The stick bounced and landed tip first three times, leaving little trails of green pixie dust as it fell, before it rolled deep inside and went dark once more.

Magic seeped into the gnarled wood, and the dead tree slowly came back to life…

Sashi shook her head as she watched Boone hit the ground. She turned back to Penn, unsheathed her dagger, and handed it to the princess hilt first.

“What's this?” Penn asked as she looked at the blade.

“It's my dagger. You want to learn fighting so badly? You start with one of the _other_ weapons us knights ride out with—something I won't get in trouble for losing.”

Penn sighed but took the weapon anyway. She half-heartedly swung the dagger through the air as if it were a sword. “This isn't very heroic...”

“Yeah, well neither are most people, deal with it.” Sashi snapped. “Now start holding that dagger right, like you're going to stab someone, not slash them.”

Penn nodded and did as she was told. “Like this?”

“Yes. You could also hold it in the opposite direction if you want a more defensive grip, but for now, let's assume you're on the offensive...”

The magic seeped into the tree reached the very tips of its dead branches. It creaked and moaned as they started moving, as if caught in a breeze… only there wasn't one. Two small knotholes somewhere above its gaping hollow suddenly glowed with ominous blue light.

Too engrossed in their lesson and too far away, Sashi and Penn never noticed.


	4. Tree vs Three

“No, no, no, you're thrusting it like a rapier! You want to get in deep, till you hit something important, or cause so much pain you can easily try again.”

“That doesn't sound like a noble way to win a fight...”

“Would you rather be honorable, or would you rather be alive?”

“Point.”

“Good. Now hand me back that dagger, I'll show you how to _really_ stab someone.”

Twigs and ancient dust fell off the Tree's boughs as it started moving its branches in wider arcs. A cloud of it fell onto Boone's nose and he sneezed himself awake. He reached up to scratch his nose, before he realized the tree was staring back at him.

Boone quickly scrambled back, frantically looking for his wand, until he realized the inside of the Ttree's hollow “mouth” was glowing a familiar shade of green.

“Uh oh...” He looked back at Penn and Sashi still practicing. “Guys…? A little help here?!”

Penn and Sashi ignored him, Boone started flying back to them.

“Very nice!” Sashi clapped her hands. “You learn quickly, which is good. With your form like that, you'll only be able to stab someone if they were standing completely still, were asleep, or have no defensive skills whatsoever, which is bad.”

Penn smirked. “Hey, at least I'm learning, right?”

Sashi smiled. “Yes you are. We'll refine your form later; flip that dagger around, I'm going to show you how to stab someone in the back. Literally.”

The Tree brushed itself off, raking off excess twigs and offshoots till it had two massive, gnarled “hands.” It pressed its new-found limbs to the ground and pulled itself up, its roots now three thick, sharp spikes.

The Tree looked around and wobbled on its new legs, took some time to practice moving around, swinging its arms in precise arcs, and rotating on its new legs.

“Not too much force! You're not trying to get it stuck. And trust me, the last thing you want to do is try to pull your dagger out of a dead body—or worse, one that's still alive and really, really, _really_ angry.”

Penn stabbed an imaginary opponent in the back again.

 _“Nice!_ You sure you haven't had any serious training before? Because you've got the basic motions down pat.”

Penn beamed. “I practiced a lot with utensils, broken table legs, sticks, whatever I could find.”

“Well, you need to find some way to get yourself your own sword soon, then, I'm pretty sure I can--” Sashi scowled as soon as she heard a familiar fluttering noise. She turned to Boone and glared at him. “What are you doing back?”

She unsheathed her sword and jabbed it at Boone again.

Boone held up his arms once more. “Uh, yeah, funny coincidence, I actually need your help getting something of mine back.”

Penn narrowed her eyes, flipped her dagger back to the offensive grip, and pointed the edge at Boone. “And what would that be?”

The Tree turned to the three figures out in the distance—food, it realized, once it got them to stop moving. It narrowed its eyes at its prey and started thundering towards the trio, its massive body creaking and moaning loudly.

Sashi lowered her sword, Penn almost dropped her knife, and Boone slowly pointed at the tree's glowing maw.

“My wand. It's, uh, inside of that Tree.”

The three of them scattered as the Tree leaped at them, both of its arms balled together in an overhead smash.

**CRASH!**

Dirt and clumps of grass flew out. The Tree raised its hands from the new crater in the ground, and scowled as it noticed its prey running off, unharmed.

Penn dashed away, clutching the dagger in both hands. She stopped, turned around, and charged back at the Tree.

Sashi held out her sword and glared at the Tree before she saw Penn. “Princess! No! Get out of here!”

“I'm not leaving you to fight this thing alone! Heroes don't do that!” Penn cried as she readied her knife, the blade out.

Boone stopped flying and turned around. “Hey, could you guys get my wand while you're tangling with that thing? Thanks!”

Sashi would have protested if the tree hadn't turned its attention to her. The monster tried to grab her with one of its arms, and missed as the squire jumped back. She raised her sword over her head and brought it down on its hand!

_Crack!_

The ancient, weathered wood splintered and chipped as the hand broke of the arm, falling to the ground and twitching for a few moments before it turned lifeless.

The Tree looked at its severed limb, Sashi grinned up at it.

Then, green magic surged from its hollow, traveled up its injured arm, and through the stump, a new, fully healed hand forming almost instantly.

Sashi's grin disappeared as she gritted her teeth. She pointed her sword upwards as the Tree raised its limbs for another overhead smash.

_Crack._

The Tree roared in pain as it started spinning around, flailing and reaching behind it. Sashi jumped back from its panicked swinging, and saw Penn desperately holding onto the dagger in the Tree's back.

The Tree grabbed Penn, and with a mighty swing, flung her off into the distance!

Sashi watched, horrified as the princess hit the ground and rolled for several seconds before coming to a stop.

The Tree turned its attention back to Sashi, one hand balled into a fist, the other trying to grasp at the knife behind it.

“Penn!” Sashi screamed. She dodged to the side, just barely missing getting crushed.

From a safe distance away, Boone watched and bit his fingernails. He turned to Penn, laying motionless on the ground. He turned to Sashi, still fighting with the tree, every wound, every severed limb, every crack healing almost instantly thanks to the magic inside of the tree.

 _His_ magic.

Boone raised his wand hand. “Zippity zappity—oh, wait, right...” He bit his lip and frantically flew off to Penn, as fast as his wings could take him.

Penn slowly pushed herself up. “Ugh… ow!” She fell back down as pain wracked her body, worse than any broken leg, hot tea burn, or writing hand cramp she'd ever hand in her entire life.

Sashi was in no better shape. She'd fought beast and man alike, but they were always trained animals and sparring partners. More importantly, when she cut them, their wounds didn't immediately heal, and most importantly, they tired.

And the Tree showed little signs of stopping.

It had given up on trying to remove the dagger from its back, devoting both of its arms to trying to grab or crush the pesky little prey that would not stop moving. Each blow and swing was as powerful and devastating as the last, the wand inside its hollow pulsing and invigorating the ancient wood.

Sashi brought her sword down on its hand again!

_Crack!_

To her horror, the blade only got stuck into a deep wedge on its arm. Sashi looked up, and saw the Tree pulling back its injured hand as it reared the other back. More magic pulsed through its body and trapped the sword in the wood.

Boone swooped in and grabbed Penn, pulling her up and into the air by her shoulders. “Wake up! Wake up! Please, wake up!”

Penn whined in pain, the shouting only making her agony worse. She opened her eyes and saw the outpost's signal fire burning in the distance, the guards and the castle's knights mobilizing and making their way to the Reflection Grove.

She smiled.

She turned her head back to the Grove and saw Sashi running for her life. The Tree pulled her sword out its arm, and threw it away to the side, the blade sinking deep into the ground. The gouge healed as the monster gave chase.

Her smile disappeared.

“We have to do something!” Penn screamed.

“I can't do anything but fly without my wand, dude! Well, that and scream and flail, but I don't think that'll help us right now...”

Sashi curved back before she ran headlong into the forest. The tree turned around, and Penn saw the glint of her dagger still stuck to the trees back.

“That's it! Fly to the Tree, Boone, fly!”

Boone balked. “Don't you mean fly _away_ from the Tree?”

Penn groaned. “Just throw me onto its back, then get Sashi's sword!”

Sashi ran. She ran faster, longer, and harder than she'd ever had in her entire life. Her lungs burned, her heart raced, her legs ached, but she didn't dare stop while that _thing_ was still chasing her.

Her foot caught on a rock hidden in the grass. Sashi yelped as she hit the ground face first and slid into the dirt. She rolled onto her back just in time to see the Tree finally catch up to her, its eyes narrowed, its arms raised once more over its head…

… And Boone flying past over head, Penn screaming as she fell through the air.

_Thud!_

The Tree's balled fists stopped inches away from Sashi's face. Its eyes widened in confusion, before it suddenly roared in agony once more and reared back, its limbs flailing and trying to reach behind it again.

“Get the wand!” Penn cried as she struggled to pull her dagger out of the Tree's back. The blade was sunk in deep, and the wand healed and filled every last gap Penn made that could set the knife free.

The Tree grappled and moaned, desperately trying to rip Penn of its back, but with the pain wracking its body, its hands kept going wide or crashing into the ground or itself.

Sashi stared, mouth agape.

“I've got your sword!” Boone cried as he came flying back, both hands on the hilt, the blade dragging on the ground. “Man, this thing is _heavy!”_

Sashi sprung back onto her feet. She took a deep breath, and dashed off to Boone, grabbing her sword from him before she skidded to a stop, turned around, and ran towards the monster once more.

“Alright!” Sashi cried. “Round two!”


	5. The End Of The Beginning

Stuck in a cycle of hurting and healing, the Tree spun around helplessly flailing its arms, tortured and confused, unable to move or think properly.

Penn put both her feet on its back as she tried to pull her dagger out. Each time she tried, the blade would cut into the tree's bark, then the magic would heal it almost immediately and the dagger would get stuck again.

The Tree stopped spinning and tried to wrench Penn off its back, failing as the princess ducked and maneuvered out of the way of its clumsy swings. It watched as Sashi came charging towards her, her sword held over her head, a vicious grin on her face.

With a hoarse battle cry, Sasih leaped into the Tree and drove her sword right between its knothole eyes!

Crack!

The Tree roared in pain, jerking its body back and forth. Penn and Sashi held on for dear life, both their weapons making painful gouges in the wood, the wand filling them instantly and ensuring both blades remained stuck to cause even more damage.

Sashi thrust her arm into the hollow, and blindly grappled about until her fingers wrapped around Boone's wand. She ripped it right out of the Tree's hollow, tossing it over her shoulder and right into Boone's waiting hands.

The healing magic now gone, Penn flew off the Tree's back with the dagger back in her hands. Up in front, Sashi wrenched her sword down, cutting an ugly, deep gash right in the Tree's face.

She ducked as the Tree howled and desperately swung its arms about, now half-blind. She grinned as she held her sword up and the Tree swung a branch right into her blade.

CRACK!

Her arms ached from the impact, but it was worth seeing one of the Tree's limbs come flying off. Without the magic of the wand, the stump remained a stump.

However, the Tree still had its massive body, three sharp legs, one whole arm, and the one half to try and smash, impale, or grab the trio.

“Boone! Do something!” Penn cried as she stabbed the Tree in its trunk, making its latest swing go wide and miss Sashi.

Boone flew up into the air, wand back in his hand and crackling with magic. “Uh... uh... uh, okay! So, uh, let's see here… giant mutant Tree with a capital T, princess and a knight fighting it, both of them are gonna to die if I don't do something fast…”

Boone tapped his wand against his open palm, sprinkling harmless bunches of fairy dust into the air. “Hmm… what do trees hate…? What do trees hate…? Oh, trees hate squirrels! Though, they don't actually _kill_ the tree… hmm… trees hate woodchucks! But do they eat wood this old? Are woodchucks even native here?”

He cupped his hands around his mouth. “Hey, guys, do you know what trees really hate and will probably kill them, too?”

“JUST DO SOMETHING ALREADY!” Penn and Sashi screamed as they backed away from the Tree, their weapons raised.

Boone's wand flew up and spun into the air, before he grabbed it again. “Uh… woodpeckers, trees hate woodpeckers! Bippity, boppity, Boone!”

Magic arced from Boone's wand and into the Tree's branches. A flock of woodpeckers now perched on the branches on top of its “head.” The Tree used its good arm to shoo them away, and the birds quickly flew off.

Boone frowned. “Okay, that didn't work. Uh… fungus! Trees hate fungus! Bippity, boppity, Boone!”

Another zap! This time, green fungus sprouted all over the dead tree. It stopped and assessed the extent of the damage with its half-blind eyes, shrugged, and decided to deal with it later. It turned back to Sashi and Penn, and raised its good arm once more.

“BOONE!”

Boone's eyes widened. “Fire! That's right, trees hate fire, don't they? Bippity, boppity, Boone!”

Another bolt of magic shot down from above and into the Tree's bad limb. It turned into a lamp, swinging by its handle before it slipped off and its glass shattered on the ground.

The humans and the fairy looked blankly at it. Even the Tree was confused.

Sashi and Penn looked at each other, up at Boone, and back at the Tree. The two put on their most serious faces as they raised their weapons for their final stand.

Boone frowned, wracking his brain for another solution until he saw the glint of the sun reflecting off the shards of glass, little bright points on the tree. He started waving his wand again.

“Bippity, boppity, Boone!”

Another lamp appeared over the Tree's “head,” fell on it, and shattered. Though it didn't hurt, it bothered it enough to distract it for a few moments.

“Bippity, boppity, Boone! Bippity, boppity, Boone! Bippity, boppity, Boone…!”

More and more lamps rained down on the Tree's head, breaking and falling to the ground in pieces. Penn and Sashi watched in confusion as they stepped back to to avoid getting cut by the shards.

The monster seemed to wince with each new impact, not quite hurt, but certainly annoyed.

Up in the air, Boone panted as he tiredly waved his wand one final time. “Bippity… boppity… Boone!”

Magic arced down onto the biggest glass shard. It bounced to each nearby piece, like a ray of light reflecting off many mirrors. They all suddenly flew up into the air, clicking and piecing together until they formed a massive lens of magic and broken glass.

The whole thing shone so brightly Sashi and Penn had to shield their eyes. A gigantic dot of focused light fell on the Tree's back. It paid it no mind, until the spot burst into flames.

Sashi and Penn jumped back and watched as the fire on the Tree quickly spread, the ancient, dry wood making excellent tinder.

The knights and guards burst into the Reflection Grove just in time to see the Tree howling, its whole body alight, desperately batting at itself and spreading the flames even more.

Boone slowly floated back down to the ground, exhausted. Sashi and Penn's arms and legs finally gave out as they dropped their weapons, and fell to their knees or down on their backs.

The monster collapsed onto the ground, lifeless and still burning.

The guards quickly dismounted their horses as they rushed to stop the flames from spreading. Knights rode towards the princess, the squire, and the fairy, now breathing hard or just unconscious.

Tales would be told for all of eternity about the day the Reflection Grove went up in smoke, the pillar seen all throughout the kingdom.

* * *

“Attempted murder, endangering the life of the princess, and even the destruction of royal property, damage our mages and groundskeepers are _still_ trying to fix even as we speak...” The court adviser shook their head. “These are _extremely_ serious crimes, fit only for our most _serious_ of punishments.”

Penn said nothing as she sat in her throne, looking at Boone trapped in a fairy “butterfly net” cage, and Sashi standing to the side as a chief witness.

Though they hadn't tied Penn down or gagged her exactly, the two burly guards on either side of her had a similar effect.

“As the representative of their majesties King and Queen Zero, I cannot, in good fate, let this murderer, this anarchist, this incompetent _buffoon_ get away with anything less than the death penalty!”

Boone paled. Sashi's jaw dropped. Penn gritted her teeth.

“ _No!”_

The whole court stopped, stunned, save for Penn's guards as they gently forced her back into her chair.

The court adviser shook off their shock and frowned at Penn. “Your majesty, I understand this is a grave sentence, a most distasteful task to execute—pun not intended—but can you _really_ justify letting this fairy go free and able to wreak havoc on some other unfortunate citizen?”

Boone opened his mouth to protest, before he closed his mouth, and hung his head.

Penn narrowed her eyes at the court adviser. “No. But what if he lives, but is only able to perform magic and fairy godfather services exclusively for me?”

The court adviser blinked, their frown turning worried. “Your majesty, I must object! Though certainly generous and befitting royalty to grant such mercy… we must think of your safety first and foremost.”

Penn opened her mouth to speak, before she sighed, and reluctantly sank back into her seat.

“I'll protect her!”

The court stopped again, and all eyes turned to Sashi.

“I handled that tree monster, right? Doesn't that show I'm perfectly capable of protecting her majesty Zero from whatever this guy can dish out?” She thumbed to Boone.

The court adviser frowned, and headed back to their fellows, including the captain of the guard, the head magician, and one of Princess Penn's personal tutors, among others.

The mood in the court was tense and antsy, everyone watching as the court adviser held a quiet, private counsel.

Eventually, the court adviser bid their fellows farewell and thanks, and returned to their position in front of the thrones.

“We have come to the conclusion: we shall allow Princess Zero her wish, so long as the Fairy Godfather-in-training Boone goes through extensive education—well, reeducation, is more like it—and Squire Sashi is to be promoted to the special rank of her highness' Personal Guard, and receive the training and duties associated with such.”

“Yes!” Penn pumped into her fist into the air. After a bevy of disapproving glances from her teachers and most of the servants, she slowly lowered it and smiled sheepishly. “I mean… wonderful!”

Sashi chuckled quietly. Boone gave his own cheer as he was released from the cage, free to fly and float once more.

The court was dismissed, till all that was left were a handful of servants, and the court adviser, currently busy dictating to a scribe the exact terms and details of this new arrangement.

“Oh, man, thank you _so_ much, Penn!” Boone said as he floated beside Penn's throne. “If there is anything I can do for you, really, _anything_ , just say the word.”

Penn smiled. “Just don't use your magic for now, until we're all sure you've got a better handle on it, alright?”

Boone nodded and bowed. “Whatever you say, Penn.”

Sashi walked up to the two of them and smiled. “Gotta admit, I think I'm going to like this new job of mine. Certainly promises to be more entertaining than regular princess guard duty, anyway.”

“I hope so! Oh, and before I forget: Sashi, come here for a second?” Penn gestured for Sashi to come closer.

Sashi did.

_Smooch._

Sashi blinked and blushed. “Did you just… kiss me?”

Penn chuckled and blushed, too. “Uh, yeah! Even if I'm a rebellious tomboy princess, I'm still a princess; and if there's anything I've been taught, it's that princesses always give kisses to daring knights that save them. Right?”

Sashi nodded slowly. “Uh… right.”

Boone smiled. “You know, ways to magically spice up your life is totally within my godfather duties!” The fairy waggled his eyebrows.

Penn blushed even brighter. Sashi scowled and growled.

“Oh, shut up before I actually chop off your wings this time.”


End file.
